if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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