His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
