I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
