When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
