I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
