Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
