So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize