My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
