Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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