Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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