My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
