i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
