we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize