found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
