smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize