Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
