my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
