ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
