You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
