One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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