At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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