mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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