There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
