some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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