Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
