After last night, I could never be a politician.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
