Where is the hickey?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
