New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize