You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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