he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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