dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
