I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize