My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You left your phone here
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