Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
