The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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