you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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