You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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