i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
