I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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