Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
