Where is the hickey?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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