Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
