I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
