Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
