if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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