I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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