I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
