I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
