I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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