I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
