My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
