I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
we should paint friendship bongs
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
