so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Princesses don't give blow jobs
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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