this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
