my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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