I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
