True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
