My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
