Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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