Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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