not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize