Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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