I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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