God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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