I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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