I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
