Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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