Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
