Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
