This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
