my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
